The Goodbye.

Pathetic.
How sad?
Spread the news, or I will.
Who’s sinking their teeth in the juiciest gossip?
Who will indulge in my misery?
Why, my beloved true friends will.
Ah, but no body cares.
I almost forgot.
This is a world where you think you know someone for two years and they never for once took off their mask. Maybe it has imbedded in their face, so they can’t take it off; they start believing the lies that they feed you.
Here kitty kitty…
I remember the date, it’s apt. March 21st is probably when you spotted me.
“hey wanna chat??”
I should have said, no; I’m out of your league. Move along, grow up, shrivel up and die but don’t take me with you. I deserve better.
This is a world where you have to find out the hard way.
My only clue was, the mirror image I serviced for the culprit. He, or rather “it” (I don’t think ‘it’ is human, a beast consumed by the mask) saw itself in me! Accused me of all the things it didn’t have the bravery and decency to accuse itself of!
Well, pardon me while I burst into flames, for your own mistakes.
I took it lying down… but the dog has not seized to blame me for his insecurities.
He barked me up a tree, while I tried to make him understand how it feels like to be fucked so deeply until the point you’re punctured and bleeding to death.
I know it is over, not by my own accord.
I contemplated in my weakness to forgive and forget… to excuse his actions, to understand. I cornered myself into guilt. But he never once, reared his ugly head, or begged for forgiveness, promised me the world, sent me flowers – nothing as cliché and as pathetic, nothing to admit he ever felt anything for me.
Just as well…
I kept on repeating as if in a nightmare, “it isn’t fair”, but I couldn’t awake.
Instead, I am living it every day, while it searches for another victim, I’m sure.
Well, good luck.
May your search be fruitful and you find all that you deserve, and oh so much more.
But if for a minute you thought, that anyone, at any time, would dedicate herself to you as I did with her body and soul, giving herself entirely to you… you are sadly mistaken.
There will be no other like me… one that was pure and uncorrupted by anyone else’s touch. I was practically dedicated to you. But you wanted more…
There will be no one else who cared as much about your lowly existence. As much as I did, to the point of complete selflessness. But you wanted more.
There will never be a more beautiful butterfly to emerge at the end of the transformation. The ones you’ll get will be tattered and used, with broken wings who will tatter and use you back.
There will be no one else, who will cry for your future with her and not for her own ego.
You wanted more, but I was the supreme. You cannot physically get more than perfection itself.
Unaltered, unchiseled – a work in progress, but I promise you, one that would have blown your mind.
I guess my faith in God has been renewed, because I was born for greatness and you were stalling me with your inhibitions. God has pushed me unto something better.
After all soul mates never die and you were simply not the one, because you are dead to me.

Inhumane

I look at myself and I laugh.

I laugh at the lie,
At my own stupidity,
At the irony.

I’ve wasted two of my best years on you,
Pathetic and blindly in love,
I have been ignorantly faithful.

How could you look in someone’s eyes,
A loved one,
And lie,
Lie,
Knowing the truth will hurt them
But will set them free.

You felt no guilt?

You’re inhumane,
And while I nurse myself back to health
You will be waiting the karmic day
When you will feel worse than I do now.

The cat will remember the mouse’s tears
He will experience them tenfold.

March 1st

The first of the month has always been symbolic.
It often marked a beginning, today it marks an end of an era.
I know it does because I, for once, want some privacy; free thoughts that can’t be tracked back to me.

There I go exaggerating and being melodramatic, but there’s no one who would listen, no one who would understand.

The end…
God, I didn’t believe it until I saw it through someone else’s eyes.
It’s never been this concrete, this simple.
I can’t believe both parties are happy and accepting…
well, I’m struggling on my way to being content with it.

I just feel lied to, is it that easy to let go?
Am I not worth fighting for?
Did the feeling, the passion burn out?

I can’t imagine anyone loving me, how could they if i can’t love myself…
After 20 years, my neurosis have only grown…
I ruin everything, kill it at the root… I manage to destroy it and then mourn the loss.
I’m useless…

It all comes down to this ego of mine that knows no satiety.

When will I prove myself worthy?
I spend my time sulking, but when will be the wake up call?
Is it today?

G
O
D