Archive for January, 2009

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on January 28, 2009 by Randomique Jester

For the sake of all the words that I haven’t said,
To those people who have, and in the process wounded and engraved their words onto my heart, I offer salvation.
Salvation through the simplest form of communication:
I will gladly live and die in the mysteries of femininity than rot in the simplicity of the male. And there is nothing that an inferior form of life with lesser intelligence, like yourself, can add that would challenge my perspective.

It is a simple, close ended sentence. A concrete, newfound dogma and I offer no revision of it.
It is what I have amounted to be. It offers no further explanation to those who don’t deserve it and those who haven’t felt it or lived the hardships that are tied with it.
And be this statement angry or egoistic, it doesn’t renounce the fact that I am.
I refuse the virtue of my presence and wisdom in the lives of those who poison me.
That’s why I run away and I stop any association with you.
Those who recognize my potential and help it flourish are welcome in my life, the rest are erased from my consciousness.

With that said, I know what I am and I know why I am this way.
I still don’t know what to do with myself.
The future dawns on me and the burden of responsibility sneaks up on me only to burst the bubble I have comfortably engulfed myself in through adolescence.
The emptiness I feel is unnatural for a twenty-year-old.
As I dig within myself I readily know the passions that drive me, but I can’t overcome the fear and uncertainty. Why am I so insecure?
Being both aware and inhibited makes the ignorance around me enviable.
Tomorrow will be a new day I think optimistically; only to find that tomorrow will be another day, instead.

I’m comforted knowing many others before me have conquered the challenges I’m facing now. But I’m searching for a way of my own. Perhaps it is masked in a sign and my interpretation of it?
But where should I look for a guiding star if I’m already lost?

-“All womanhood is hampered today because the world on which it is emerging is a world that tries to worship both virgins and mothers and in the end despises motherhood and despoils virgins.”
P. J. Ball

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s.o.s

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on January 14, 2009 by Randomique Jester

here i am again, a shadow of my former self; haunting the place that contains the pain i’m trying to run away from.
i’m living a life which is not my own anymore. i’ve confused the two realities; my own and the one that was written by someone who shares nothing of mine. nothing but his individual dreams that match mine.

i was disappointed. i felt abused. the ending itself is never what it was accrued in people’s fantasy to be.
it never could be. it’s destined to disappoint the best of us, the dreamers.

i have nothing to say.

i fear nothing but fear itself.
if life has no opposite, how come i feel like i haven’t been living?
i’m waiting to be inspired but it’s the little things that rub me the wrong way.
i loathe the change demonstrated in others.
people fall back into the roles they were prescribed to play.

why am i so afraid?
because i keep on failing. i’m so disappointed.
the only thing that would convince me to go on further is some sort of indication,
a slight reward to push me on.
i never receive that and go one wondering what’s wrong with me.

ends are so anticlimactic
i feel nothing.

s.o.s

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on January 7, 2009 by Randomique Jester

Knock knock.
How long are you going to ignore me?
How loud will I have to get to break through your ribcage?
You’ve locked me into a prison.
You’re digging your own grave.
A person can’t live without a heart for long.
Knock knock.
Open up, I’m your passion.

Procrast… never mind.

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on January 5, 2009 by Randomique Jester

I’m in the middle of procrastination.
I’ve realized how well my 6 weeks of complete and utter disregard for my future have paid off.
Not that I am in any way surprised at the outcome of my lay-about habits.
My brains has definitely lost a few volumes of cell formation.
I’m trying to read my University material from a month ago and I’m so anxious and dumbed down that I’m
on the verge of hyperventilation.
I mean yeah, the high blood sugar does wonders for my otherwise half-assed vocabulary but other than that,
how well do you expect someone to cope with material she wasn’t able to comprehend beforehand?

The pulsing question is: what do I do now?
I can’t decipher what I copied from someone else after missing half a semester?!
So do I fake my understanding until an opportunity for me to ask someone who knows what the hell is up, presents itself?

Or should the question be:
What was I thinking repeating 3 year old mistakes?

A belated optimistic look at the year of 2009

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on January 2, 2009 by Randomique Jester

I’ve decided it’s the little things.
Well, not more decided than have had it personally creep up on me.
A surge of uncontrollable sweetness, that is; one that I’ve managed to subdue in the past year.
And it’s really the goodbyes that bring forth the contemplation that should have been a part of the initial decision to leave.
Inevitably, when it decides to rear its rightous heads at us it is far too late to consider all the things that should have been said and should have been done.

There is a point to my rambling,I promise – I just haven’t found it yet.
It is anticipated to untangle itself somewhere in the middle.
In the mean time, let’s have a moment of silence for the sake of gratitude and the optimistic notion of the infamous “its-not-too-late” motto.

It’s easy for me to give up on things that so easily define my life. Perhaps it’s not the state I like to find my life in at the moment. And yes, I have no one but myself to blame for this unfathomable chaos of boredom and presumptuousness. But maybe it’s time for me to stop and absorb all the things that are right in my life.
Things I am willing to readily let go of are in fact my stability; they keep me glued together.
The sweet routines that I go back to, that have lost their charm and excitement but would be greatly missed if they were suddenly to disappear from my life altogether.

I have never been so lost in my entire life.
I’m not even sure why I am so surprised and abashed by this fact. I am 20. And I am allowed and encouraged to make a billion mistakes in the way of figuring myself out.
And hope that I eventually will.

I don’t know.
What it was for me, was seeing an acted out version of genuine affection.
On the screen, with which we are all so intoxicated with, was where I saw a gesture of simple, unchallenged love of one person to another. Something I’ve managed to take for granted, and worse, completely ignore.
For this gesture, for that person in my life and for my frivolous mind that has managed to interpret the gesture so- thank you once more.

Ok. Maybe there isn’t a point.
And maybe I’m just in the middle of figuring out this post.
But I do hope that surge of sweetness is one of many this year.

I suppose this is a belated optimistic look at the year of 2009.

Happy New Year’s!

And also thank you, for people who share their talent with the world- even if it is in a multibillion, commercialized, shark corporation such as Hollywood- and help us, the little people, figure themselves out through somewhat fabricated characters.

cheerios.