Archive for June, 2009

As in dream,

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on June 18, 2009 by Randomique Jester

I wake up lost. Am I still asleep?
I’m unsure of what to do next.
When one of your favorite habits or vices is aggressively discontinued you feel the loss tenfold. Your body grows accustomed to the touch, the breath, the action as if it was a part of you and defined you completely.

I awake. (Or do I fall asleep?)
I am doing so much for myself; I am swimming against the current. I give it my all and I’m paranoid that the new substitutes for that absent part of me will not be enough to satisfy momentary lapses of reason and melodramatic emotions.
I wait for the momentary high to dissipate because I’ve learnt my lesson – good things don’t last.
As in all things you have to maintain the results. Each day should feel like it’s your last, well simply because it is.
What you’ve gained yesterday by sheer luck will slip through your fingers if you don’t grip it hard enough – that’s just how life works.
You can’t afford to sleep or eat when you’re out of time.
The things that you stood powerless against, assuring yourself that fate has willed it so, will soon bring regret.
But fate controls our lives to a degree, if not in life then in death, so if you wait at the sidelines for the world to move around you – it will, but it will move without you.

I am too powerless, paralyzed with fear.
I preach this way of life, this passion for fighting for those you love, for the things that make your existence significant, the things that define you; yet, I am too afraid to face what I want most.
I wait and I postpone and I linger on hope and doubt and fear; I wait on fate.
I tell myself, fate has brought me here and fate will lead me away from here. I’m not brave enough to take the first step, though so far I have seen that by taking small steps every day I can achieve miraculous things – as long as I don’t let my fear and doubt paralyze me and prevent me from taking another step.
The point to which I have brought myself in mere weeks is so far away from where I’ve been before I can but see distant memories.
Alas, I taught myself how to forget as a defense mechanism but I could never filter the pain that still lingers on.

Hands, feet, eyes, smiles, tears, hugs, kisses – they’re all still there only distant and far away, like a vague and cloudy dream or someone’s life I have imagined as my own.
No, I couldn’t have.
I could not have been this loved.
I could have not looked like this.
I couldn’t have felt that way.

So many loop holes – that’s how I know this is a fairytale with a tragic ending: things don’t end that way in fairytales.
The prince fights off the dragons to save the princess. He fights, even though it might bring his life to an end, he fights still in spite of impossible odds and overpowering obstacles, his life is meaningless without his princess and it is that simple.
The fight, as in all fairytales, leads to victory. There isn’t another option, not in a story filled with so much love and beauty.
But a fairytale in which the prince does not love the princess and does not fight for her is merely a tragedy filled with dragons and the imminent demise of them both.
So what is it then? If not a dream?

Perhaps it is a part of an average princess’ life, there’s love and disappointment, happiness and obstacles but only one prince that will win her heart. And all previous failed attempts and perished heroes will not be remembered when the real prince awakes her from her sleep.
And then perhaps I will awake as well, and will be surrounded by love. Perhaps it will be then that I will blossom into a princess and not the helplessly trapped and cursed swan I feel I am.

Perhaps I shouldn’t depend on such wishful thinking… because there will never be a prince who’ll save me and I’ll have to roll up my sleeves, cut my hair, steal a horse and slay the dragon myself, but without a kiss the curse will never be broken and once in a while I will feel helpless once again.

But in reality?

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Lullaby

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on June 16, 2009 by Randomique Jester

They didn’t have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I’m never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you’re asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there’ll be so much to do
So tonight I’ll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I’m never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you’re miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I’m never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I’m never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I’m never, never giving you up

Sweet Thing

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on June 12, 2009 by Randomique Jester

And I will stroll the merry way
And jump the hedges first.
And I will drink the clear,
Clean water for to quench my thirst.
And I shall watch the ferry-boats,
And they’ll get high
On a bluer ocean,
Against tomorrow’s sky.

And I will never ever grow so old again,
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all misty wet with rain.

Oh sweet thing, sweet thing.
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing.

And I shall drive my chariot
Down your streets and cry:
“hey, its me, I’m dynamite,
And I dont know why”,
And you shall take me strongly
In your arms again.
And I will not remember
That I even felt the pain.

And we will walk and talk
In gardens all misty and wet with rain,
And I will never, never, never
Grow so old again.

Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing.

And I will raise my hand up
Into the midnight sky,
And count the lights
That are shining up in your eyes.
Just to dig it all an not to wonder,
Thats just fine.
Just to dig it all and never wonder,
Well, that’s just fine.
And I’ll be satisfied,
Not to read in between the lines.

And we will walk and talk
In gardens all misty wet with rain,
You know we will.
You and me,
You know we will.

And I will never, ever
Grow so old again.
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
Sugar-baby with your champagne eyes
And your saint-like smile….

Remember the day
When I held your hand,
With a look in my eyes
Only you could understand.
Remember when we held each other soft and long
And how nothing could ever be that strong.

Shhh…. Sleep tonight with dreams as sweet as angel’s wings,
And all your dreams will bring you sweeter things.
Sweet, sweet, sweet thing
Oh sweet thing,
Don’t you… don’t you wish?
No, no, no, no.

Come’ere let me tell ya,
Let me tell you how much I love you.

Oh my sweet thing.

What Does Love Have To Do With It?

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on June 10, 2009 by Randomique Jester

This isn’t the first time I find myself unable to move.
Whichever way should I turn?
What is at stake?
I find myself compromising once more; unable to breathe without something I’ve grown accustomed to.
Feels like it’s a part of me but it’s someone separate.

Why do we need others to define us?
Why do we let ignorant words sting?
The truth should be a beautiful thing, not a foreign thorn of shock and shame.
Things we are told at a moment of anger and malice shouldn’t be burnt unto our psyche; the kindness others show us should be remembered clearer than the insults we cannot forget.
We know this and yet we search. We look for signs written in forgotten places, we look for them to find us and prove us worthy once and for all. We look for understanding in the eyes of people who finds us strange. We hold onto old habits, obsessions and to self-sabotage just so we could feel alive and struggle until we win what we have had all along and lost on purpose.

Why do we need to be needed?

Where is this destructive force of elitism come from? How are you able to look at a stranger’s face, without knowing their story, and decide to judge when not far from now you will be judged harshly yourself?
What kind of animal is man? To trample someone to the ground for his own amusement?
Even lions who haunt their prey bring it softly to the ground in a gentle embrace of death.
Why are we so much more barbaric?
A syndrome of passing your pain along; as those who are happy pass sweetness and kindness to others the same way.
This world is destroying itself from within its core and its people are waiting patiently for its demise.

I ache for solitude. I wish to wake up in a strange place and to start over again, in a circle of people who are no longer threatened by these primitive social standards. Where could I find such a place? Am I better off alone?

Years have passed and my longing for someone who is able to comfort me in silence has not.
I have yet to feel like someone understands and wants to listen instead of waiting for their turn to speak.
Everyone selfishly looks for comfort but no one is willing to comfort others.
Where can I find a love so selfless?
A love where people would strive not to hurt you instead of playing cruel games with your feelings?
The fear of loneliness prevents me to keep on going, I am stuck, I compromised in life because I am afraid no one will ever love me like that. If such selfless love exists, I do not deserve it.

Anger.

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on June 9, 2009 by Randomique Jester

First of all, Happy Birthday LJ- you pathetic excuse for an eblog website.
You are probably the most boring and worthless piece of crap there is and I have been cheating on you for a week now with my IsraBlog.

Moving on to my usual melodramatic rant.
So you think you know someone…
You think you mean something to someone, but you don’t.
As a matter of fact it always turns into a battle of egos and when that happens, when none of you is willing to show a glimpse of sympathy or even have the time to care, you know that the relationship is completely and utterly over.
I don’t have much but the little I *thought* I had revolved my entire world around him.
For me to do that takes an incredible amount of self compromise because I merely forgot that I’m worth a lot more than giving and loving someone and getting kicked in the gut for it. I completely forgot that I am a free thinker, an independent being, a beautiful creature and the coolest and smartest person most do not have the fortune of meeting.
I’m not sure what happened in these two years but somehow I turned into a pathetic, spineless, one-celled ameba called “the gf”. Gradually I adopted a clingy co-dependant lifestyle, a hobby for nagging and the habit of crying uncontrollably when I thought my dignity was being compromised. He in turn, I suppose I drove him there, became evasive, cruel and ignorant. As a matter of fact, the more clingy I became the more ways he found to hurt me and then to HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE HAD DONE WRONG.
I guess I should have stopped being surprised at his complete lack of concern towards my feelings or at the fact that he simply wouldn’t budge to fix what it was he had done wrong. Because it was much easier to blame me for something trivial that I had done years ago has been much easier (“Oh that time that that guy touched your boob”/ “And you called me a mama’s boy 3 months ago”/ “Oh yes, and you did this and that… and I just remembered today even though 5 months ago, when it happened, I showed no feelings at all!”).
The only time he would, finally, show any kind of regret was when – you guessed it!- he wanted a fuck.
I have broken the mold with the clichés and stereotypes because I am now living them.
I AM that poor victimized, mistreated girl. I NOW have a reason to hate men, even though I have hated men for so long.

My first clue should have been when I was stupid enough to wait for a long over-due apology for two long weeks while he was cruising for a new gf. But now, I took him back like the idiot I am, because I always liked being someone’s fall back plan, because that’s truly what I deserve.
So for some reason I decided to put my eggs in one basket and all my unrealistic hopes of a serious relationship into this one dysfunctional little kid, and he did not disappoint in that he disappointed me as expected.
But even then I forgave… I found a way, to put my life on hold. And we spent a month that I thought was a wonderful one.
But then he drove me home and “forgot” to call for four days, because he was “busy”, poor poor overworked soul.
Again, God see and behold, I understood.
But when he decided to finally make time and call A WHOPPING TWO TIMES IN A SINGLE PERIOD OF FIVE MINUTES(1!GASPS!!!!!) and I wasn’t there to sit around by the phone and plan my life around his call he had a very exciting conversation with my empty chair on msn and from that concluded that the mature thing to do was to break up with me on FB…
And I was supposed to be so understanding and great about him being busy that I should have called him and begged him to take me back instead of waiting for a proper apology and some fucking grand gesture to show that he actually gives a shit.
I’m such a horrible gf… boo hoo hoo…
->And I know you’re reading this, because otherwise I wouldn’t detail it so much because no one is THAT stupid to realize what the fuck they have done wrong.<-

So I have been holding my breath for an apology, a phone call and for hell to freeze over (and I have a feeling I know which will come first).
I have finally realized that no matter how pathetic and lonely and unloved I let this person make me feel… he, simply, feels nothing- because he’s heartless and too stupid to feel..
But this is not even the thing that keeps me awake at night, it’s the fact that I sold myself short for so fucking long.
I was this master piece in the making, I had such potential, I used to inspire awe, I used to be a force to be reckoned with, I used to break hearts and make people fall helplessly in love, I used to be worth fighting for…but he has stopped fighting for the blessing and divine right to be with me a long time ago and I should have realized it then instead of wasting yet another year, and yet another tear.

I know this is going to be incredibly hard and I feel like I’m exactly where I started with two of my best years wasted.
I wish I had never met him, that I was a clean slate again; because all the happy memories are not worth this horrible feeling I’m feeling right now. I wish I could erase them completely along with all the pain.
Maybe one day when he wakes up next to someone and remembers me he’ll understand that I was the one and he never fought for me, that he lost me and that he will never love anyone like he loved me ever again.
Then he’ll understand.
Maybe it will happen tomorrow, a week from now or even a month the point is… it’s too late.
It’s so fucking late to take me for granted and to think everything will be magically fixed, it’s so fucking late to think that I will take you back for all the cruel games you put me through, it’s too fucking late.
PLEASE. STOP. POISONING. ME.

Until then, I’m back where I wanted to be so many times before:
Square one, 3 years ago, wondering what it would be like to be madly in love.
Only now I know — it's not worth it.