Archive for December, 2008

Introducing a New Mantra

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on December 31, 2008 by Randomique Jester

Why do I feel redundant when I say “today will be the rest of my life”?
Is it really foolish to wake up with a song and a smile and a slightly misdirected hope?
Or is it merely optimistic?
Alas, history attests to the failures such wishful thinking brings.

So why do I bother?
Why do I try to smother myself with happy thoughts and the bitter sadness of “what if”s?
Why do I push myself unto impossible tasks that make me feel heroic and significant, strong even?
The answer is hidden within the question.
When asked, it unravels like a cheap suit.
– Because it makes me feel significantly more than what, insignificantly, I am.

I have immersed myself entirely in the melancholy and grandiloquence of a certain tv series.
I thrive on the eventful lives of its made up characters,
I ache to identify with their melodramatic pains,
I enjoy the sympathy and the love that surrounds them.
They’re the ideal talking about an ideal that is far more ideal than their picture perfect faces.

I don’t expect to make sense at 7:30 am.

I just, want my life to be interesting.
I want to be -that girl-. I want to have the life that is not mine.
I want to be amazing and admired, and adored.

I want……………..
and that’s what my life sums up to, the things I want that can’t be requited.

Part of the reason, I push myself onto bigger and better things is because
I want to try to match that ideal.
I don’t believe, and am obviously wrong, that there is someone out there who can honestly
stare the mirror in the eye and not find a single thing they like about themselves.
I feel, nonchalant about myself.

I’m boring and insignificant, horrifically ugly and pitiful; and maybe that is why,
I never try, I never finish a story, or anything that I start for that matter.
It is why i have stopped reading, writing, never learned to play guitar,
It is why… I’ve never studied for a test nor felt comfortable with someone I knew less than a year, intimately.
it is why, I spend my time staring at a screen, sleeping, sleeping and eating.
and nothing more.
Just that for an entire week.
It is why I’m so god damn self destructive and afraid of going after what I want.

Why, my imaginary audience?
It is because I never thought, even for a split second, that I was worth it.
And if someone was reading it right now, they would be surprised to find out why; because i’ve made my behavior perfectly fitting within the realms of typical and unrequiring explanation.
If someone was reading this it would be news to them.
As much as it is news to me.

Whatever happened to me?
I’ve become a shadow of myself.
I never hated myself this intensely.
Disliked, maybe at various points of my life.
But never like this, to the point of destruction.

Maybe I’ve never realized it before but, I might be compulsive.
I need to satisfy an imaginary need, but it’s only greed masquerading as the inability to say “no”,
to something that is free.
I might as well eat it in case I get hungry later, right? Weekdays are tough. Weekends are plentiful.
and I might as well buy duplicates of the same products, since I’ve got the now money, right?
never know when I might run out. I mean, a blob of hideousness like myself needs it, right?

I used to disapprove of the way I looked, but I was always curious about my unmastered potential.
Moreover, I knew who I was. To a T. I knew what I needed to be and do, and I liked myself, the way I was.
sad, sarcastic, mysterious and weird.
I wasn’t ‘miss thing’ in high school but I was me, I was different. I was unique, unsoiled by social standards.
I was naive.
Now, I’m jaded, lost and confused.
Older but somehow dumber.
And now, after 2 years of confusion I finally figured out where I stand today-
and I am utterly disgusted with myself.

And in this optimistic tone I will go to sleep,
Hoping tonight and the morning after will bring a new year, and a new slate.
And just maybe, a year later I would reminisce with pride on how I’ve changed and turned my life around in a few eventful and significant 12 months.

Anything can happen.

Advertisements

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on December 2, 2008 by Randomique Jester

I write it down, what I wish for the most.
I fold it and I blow it away.
As it flies off, I sing que sera, sera.
I accept my destiny with open hands.
I embrace whatever comes and happens.

I let it go,
If it isn’t my time then it wasn’t meant to be
for every expereience, due its time, its positive
aspects should be derived of it.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I want this job!
why am I so scared?!
I couldn’t I be relaxed?!
why!?

augh,
whichever way.
I AM THE LUCKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

I let go of the pain.