Archive for hope

The Game That Is Life

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2009 by Randomique Jester

Why can’t we keep our thoughts to ourselves?

We need twenty different aliases, seven other personalities, hundreds of facial expressions, thirty-five different reactions, three different names and at least two email accounts.

We’re spreading ourselves over uncharted territory but instead of celebrating our particular, complete personality we’re dividing it into little aspects of ourselves that can’t define us.

People who met me in person, my friends, the readers of my various blogs, co-workers and school-mates – are all familiar with distinct but separate aspects of my personality. And if they all got together in one room they would argue, vivaciously I’m sure, about the kind of person I truly am.

We tend to hide behind a facade that is particularly appropriate in a given situation. I mean, you can’t express how cool and cynical you are by making nonchalant comments to your boss; even though he might appreciate these traits in different circumstances.

I’m sure there are people who wear their hearts and personalities on their sleeve  and they act the same way as they would in the office, with their friends and at home. Doing just that requires confidence. You have to feel like there’s nothing about you that needs hiding or should be toned down. It also requires being monodimnesional.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe we were never meant to be cautious of what others might think of us. Maybe these social standards are impeding our expression. Maybe we should wave one big middle finger in the air and not worry about being imperfect.

Maybe, but his is impossible for me to do. As a perfectionist and self-critic I like the little barriers I build between me and the rest of the people in my life. And what I like the most is the beautiful, inspiring notion of being able to make a brand new impression on a new set of eyes.

I thrive on this notion because wherever my failed attempts at self-transformation lead me I feel like I can wipe the slate clean and be that perfect, admirable role-model to someone.

But I also lack any shred of hope that this might be true in any period of time. How can anyone be considered admirable or perfect? Even celebrities with their perfect bodies and million dollar smiles wear make-up and have a photoshop expert at hand. Their actions and behaviors are mostly amusing rather than reverence inspiring. And yet, we want. We want our neighbour’s grass and the gnomes that come with it.

Surely, anything could be better than this. Other people must have it easier with their white picket fences, their sparkling teeth and shiny hair, their trained dogs, their trophy spouses and their polished yachts sailing in waves of cash.

If only it were that easy.

We were programmed to want more. We were brewed to never be satisfied. It doesn’t matter what cards we were dealt with or how we got to our next venture and weather we have succeeded. The happiness and the satisfaction is momentary. Love is fleeting.

It is sadness and trauma that have a lasting effect. I don’t know about you but the first things that surge from my past are painful memories even though I have a tenfold more of happy ones. But the happy memories are vague and blurry and indistinguishable from past every day routine. While these little tragedies are so shocking to our systems that they are instantly engraved in our minds and dictate our lives from then on.

Wow. I’ve managed to depress even myself.

I’m hopeless and I live a bleak life.

But I do hope that in time I disprove myself, that I will be able to look at myself and look at my life and think that I could die tomorrow and wouldn’t have a single regret.

I wish it were true, that life was just a game and if you were ever loved – you most definitely win.

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