The Goodbye.

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on March 24, 2009 by Randomique Jester

Pathetic.
How sad?
Spread the news, or I will.
Who’s sinking their teeth in the juiciest gossip?
Who will indulge in my misery?
Why, my beloved true friends will.
Ah, but no body cares.
I almost forgot.
This is a world where you think you know someone for two years and they never for once took off their mask. Maybe it has imbedded in their face, so they can’t take it off; they start believing the lies that they feed you.
Here kitty kitty…
I remember the date, it’s apt. March 21st is probably when you spotted me.
“hey wanna chat??”
I should have said, no; I’m out of your league. Move along, grow up, shrivel up and die but don’t take me with you. I deserve better.
This is a world where you have to find out the hard way.
My only clue was, the mirror image I serviced for the culprit. He, or rather “it” (I don’t think ‘it’ is human, a beast consumed by the mask) saw itself in me! Accused me of all the things it didn’t have the bravery and decency to accuse itself of!
Well, pardon me while I burst into flames, for your own mistakes.
I took it lying down… but the dog has not seized to blame me for his insecurities.
He barked me up a tree, while I tried to make him understand how it feels like to be fucked so deeply until the point you’re punctured and bleeding to death.
I know it is over, not by my own accord.
I contemplated in my weakness to forgive and forget… to excuse his actions, to understand. I cornered myself into guilt. But he never once, reared his ugly head, or begged for forgiveness, promised me the world, sent me flowers – nothing as cliché and as pathetic, nothing to admit he ever felt anything for me.
Just as well…
I kept on repeating as if in a nightmare, “it isn’t fair”, but I couldn’t awake.
Instead, I am living it every day, while it searches for another victim, I’m sure.
Well, good luck.
May your search be fruitful and you find all that you deserve, and oh so much more.
But if for a minute you thought, that anyone, at any time, would dedicate herself to you as I did with her body and soul, giving herself entirely to you… you are sadly mistaken.
There will be no other like me… one that was pure and uncorrupted by anyone else’s touch. I was practically dedicated to you. But you wanted more…
There will be no one else who cared as much about your lowly existence. As much as I did, to the point of complete selflessness. But you wanted more.
There will never be a more beautiful butterfly to emerge at the end of the transformation. The ones you’ll get will be tattered and used, with broken wings who will tatter and use you back.
There will be no one else, who will cry for your future with her and not for her own ego.
You wanted more, but I was the supreme. You cannot physically get more than perfection itself.
Unaltered, unchiseled – a work in progress, but I promise you, one that would have blown your mind.
I guess my faith in God has been renewed, because I was born for greatness and you were stalling me with your inhibitions. God has pushed me unto something better.
After all soul mates never die and you were simply not the one, because you are dead to me.

Inhumane

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on March 21, 2009 by Randomique Jester

I look at myself and I laugh.

I laugh at the lie,
At my own stupidity,
At the irony.

I’ve wasted two of my best years on you,
Pathetic and blindly in love,
I have been ignorantly faithful.

How could you look in someone’s eyes,
A loved one,
And lie,
Lie,
Knowing the truth will hurt them
But will set them free.

You felt no guilt?

You’re inhumane,
And while I nurse myself back to health
You will be waiting the karmic day
When you will feel worse than I do now.

The cat will remember the mouse’s tears
He will experience them tenfold.

March 1st

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on March 1, 2009 by Randomique Jester

The first of the month has always been symbolic.
It often marked a beginning, today it marks an end of an era.
I know it does because I, for once, want some privacy; free thoughts that can’t be tracked back to me.

There I go exaggerating and being melodramatic, but there’s no one who would listen, no one who would understand.

The end…
God, I didn’t believe it until I saw it through someone else’s eyes.
It’s never been this concrete, this simple.
I can’t believe both parties are happy and accepting…
well, I’m struggling on my way to being content with it.

I just feel lied to, is it that easy to let go?
Am I not worth fighting for?
Did the feeling, the passion burn out?

I can’t imagine anyone loving me, how could they if i can’t love myself…
After 20 years, my neurosis have only grown…
I ruin everything, kill it at the root… I manage to destroy it and then mourn the loss.
I’m useless…

It all comes down to this ego of mine that knows no satiety.

When will I prove myself worthy?
I spend my time sulking, but when will be the wake up call?
Is it today?

G
O
D

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on January 28, 2009 by Randomique Jester

For the sake of all the words that I haven’t said,
To those people who have, and in the process wounded and engraved their words onto my heart, I offer salvation.
Salvation through the simplest form of communication:
I will gladly live and die in the mysteries of femininity than rot in the simplicity of the male. And there is nothing that an inferior form of life with lesser intelligence, like yourself, can add that would challenge my perspective.

It is a simple, close ended sentence. A concrete, newfound dogma and I offer no revision of it.
It is what I have amounted to be. It offers no further explanation to those who don’t deserve it and those who haven’t felt it or lived the hardships that are tied with it.
And be this statement angry or egoistic, it doesn’t renounce the fact that I am.
I refuse the virtue of my presence and wisdom in the lives of those who poison me.
That’s why I run away and I stop any association with you.
Those who recognize my potential and help it flourish are welcome in my life, the rest are erased from my consciousness.

With that said, I know what I am and I know why I am this way.
I still don’t know what to do with myself.
The future dawns on me and the burden of responsibility sneaks up on me only to burst the bubble I have comfortably engulfed myself in through adolescence.
The emptiness I feel is unnatural for a twenty-year-old.
As I dig within myself I readily know the passions that drive me, but I can’t overcome the fear and uncertainty. Why am I so insecure?
Being both aware and inhibited makes the ignorance around me enviable.
Tomorrow will be a new day I think optimistically; only to find that tomorrow will be another day, instead.

I’m comforted knowing many others before me have conquered the challenges I’m facing now. But I’m searching for a way of my own. Perhaps it is masked in a sign and my interpretation of it?
But where should I look for a guiding star if I’m already lost?

-“All womanhood is hampered today because the world on which it is emerging is a world that tries to worship both virgins and mothers and in the end despises motherhood and despoils virgins.”
P. J. Ball

s.o.s

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on January 14, 2009 by Randomique Jester

here i am again, a shadow of my former self; haunting the place that contains the pain i’m trying to run away from.
i’m living a life which is not my own anymore. i’ve confused the two realities; my own and the one that was written by someone who shares nothing of mine. nothing but his individual dreams that match mine.

i was disappointed. i felt abused. the ending itself is never what it was accrued in people’s fantasy to be.
it never could be. it’s destined to disappoint the best of us, the dreamers.

i have nothing to say.

i fear nothing but fear itself.
if life has no opposite, how come i feel like i haven’t been living?
i’m waiting to be inspired but it’s the little things that rub me the wrong way.
i loathe the change demonstrated in others.
people fall back into the roles they were prescribed to play.

why am i so afraid?
because i keep on failing. i’m so disappointed.
the only thing that would convince me to go on further is some sort of indication,
a slight reward to push me on.
i never receive that and go one wondering what’s wrong with me.

ends are so anticlimactic
i feel nothing.

s.o.s

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on January 7, 2009 by Randomique Jester

Knock knock.
How long are you going to ignore me?
How loud will I have to get to break through your ribcage?
You’ve locked me into a prison.
You’re digging your own grave.
A person can’t live without a heart for long.
Knock knock.
Open up, I’m your passion.

Procrast… never mind.

Posted in Random Randomness by Randomique on January 5, 2009 by Randomique Jester

I’m in the middle of procrastination.
I’ve realized how well my 6 weeks of complete and utter disregard for my future have paid off.
Not that I am in any way surprised at the outcome of my lay-about habits.
My brains has definitely lost a few volumes of cell formation.
I’m trying to read my University material from a month ago and I’m so anxious and dumbed down that I’m
on the verge of hyperventilation.
I mean yeah, the high blood sugar does wonders for my otherwise half-assed vocabulary but other than that,
how well do you expect someone to cope with material she wasn’t able to comprehend beforehand?

The pulsing question is: what do I do now?
I can’t decipher what I copied from someone else after missing half a semester?!
So do I fake my understanding until an opportunity for me to ask someone who knows what the hell is up, presents itself?

Or should the question be:
What was I thinking repeating 3 year old mistakes?