Anger.

First of all, Happy Birthday LJ- you pathetic excuse for an eblog website.
You are probably the most boring and worthless piece of crap there is and I have been cheating on you for a week now with my IsraBlog.

Moving on to my usual melodramatic rant.
So you think you know someone…
You think you mean something to someone, but you don’t.
As a matter of fact it always turns into a battle of egos and when that happens, when none of you is willing to show a glimpse of sympathy or even have the time to care, you know that the relationship is completely and utterly over.
I don’t have much but the little I *thought* I had revolved my entire world around him.
For me to do that takes an incredible amount of self compromise because I merely forgot that I’m worth a lot more than giving and loving someone and getting kicked in the gut for it. I completely forgot that I am a free thinker, an independent being, a beautiful creature and the coolest and smartest person most do not have the fortune of meeting.
I’m not sure what happened in these two years but somehow I turned into a pathetic, spineless, one-celled ameba called “the gf”. Gradually I adopted a clingy co-dependant lifestyle, a hobby for nagging and the habit of crying uncontrollably when I thought my dignity was being compromised. He in turn, I suppose I drove him there, became evasive, cruel and ignorant. As a matter of fact, the more clingy I became the more ways he found to hurt me and then to HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE HAD DONE WRONG.
I guess I should have stopped being surprised at his complete lack of concern towards my feelings or at the fact that he simply wouldn’t budge to fix what it was he had done wrong. Because it was much easier to blame me for something trivial that I had done years ago has been much easier (“Oh that time that that guy touched your boob”/ “And you called me a mama’s boy 3 months ago”/ “Oh yes, and you did this and that… and I just remembered today even though 5 months ago, when it happened, I showed no feelings at all!”).
The only time he would, finally, show any kind of regret was when – you guessed it!- he wanted a fuck.
I have broken the mold with the clichés and stereotypes because I am now living them.
I AM that poor victimized, mistreated girl. I NOW have a reason to hate men, even though I have hated men for so long.

My first clue should have been when I was stupid enough to wait for a long over-due apology for two long weeks while he was cruising for a new gf. But now, I took him back like the idiot I am, because I always liked being someone’s fall back plan, because that’s truly what I deserve.
So for some reason I decided to put my eggs in one basket and all my unrealistic hopes of a serious relationship into this one dysfunctional little kid, and he did not disappoint in that he disappointed me as expected.
But even then I forgave… I found a way, to put my life on hold. And we spent a month that I thought was a wonderful one.
But then he drove me home and “forgot” to call for four days, because he was “busy”, poor poor overworked soul.
Again, God see and behold, I understood.
But when he decided to finally make time and call A WHOPPING TWO TIMES IN A SINGLE PERIOD OF FIVE MINUTES(1!GASPS!!!!!) and I wasn’t there to sit around by the phone and plan my life around his call he had a very exciting conversation with my empty chair on msn and from that concluded that the mature thing to do was to break up with me on FB…
And I was supposed to be so understanding and great about him being busy that I should have called him and begged him to take me back instead of waiting for a proper apology and some fucking grand gesture to show that he actually gives a shit.
I’m such a horrible gf… boo hoo hoo…
->And I know you’re reading this, because otherwise I wouldn’t detail it so much because no one is THAT stupid to realize what the fuck they have done wrong.<-

So I have been holding my breath for an apology, a phone call and for hell to freeze over (and I have a feeling I know which will come first).
I have finally realized that no matter how pathetic and lonely and unloved I let this person make me feel… he, simply, feels nothing- because he’s heartless and too stupid to feel..
But this is not even the thing that keeps me awake at night, it’s the fact that I sold myself short for so fucking long.
I was this master piece in the making, I had such potential, I used to inspire awe, I used to be a force to be reckoned with, I used to break hearts and make people fall helplessly in love, I used to be worth fighting for…but he has stopped fighting for the blessing and divine right to be with me a long time ago and I should have realized it then instead of wasting yet another year, and yet another tear.

I know this is going to be incredibly hard and I feel like I’m exactly where I started with two of my best years wasted.
I wish I had never met him, that I was a clean slate again; because all the happy memories are not worth this horrible feeling I’m feeling right now. I wish I could erase them completely along with all the pain.
Maybe one day when he wakes up next to someone and remembers me he’ll understand that I was the one and he never fought for me, that he lost me and that he will never love anyone like he loved me ever again.
Then he’ll understand.
Maybe it will happen tomorrow, a week from now or even a month the point is… it’s too late.
It’s so fucking late to take me for granted and to think everything will be magically fixed, it’s so fucking late to think that I will take you back for all the cruel games you put me through, it’s too fucking late.
PLEASE. STOP. POISONING. ME.

Until then, I’m back where I wanted to be so many times before:
Square one, 3 years ago, wondering what it would be like to be madly in love.
Only now I know — it's not worth it.

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