The first day of masturbation and snow

I feel uneasy.

I’m not entirely sure why standing my ground is hard to stomach.
All these arguments, in the search of righteousness bore me to death.
I’m swept away with the current, regardless of whether I wish to be or not.
I’m an insignificant pebble, opposing, but too weak to hold on to my own ground.
The mass and strength of the waters dislodge me from my set beliefs; until, surely, I’ll be lost at sea.

I’ve developed this analogy quite nicely?
Now I wish I could fucking put my bored prose to my pseudoscience essay.

The first day of snow, loneliness and melancholy.
Brings back memories that tell a story of the past, future as well as present.
Only because I’m in a status quo, my melancholy never changes.

I understand, how late this came to me, that I am utterly alone.
Misunderstood; whoever can pretend best to know what the hell I’m feeling –
in a well of stupidity in which i’m drowning I reach out to those who don’t know how to save me but try anyways, giving me false hope.

A superiority complex is a dangerous thing to have; especially when you’re unfulfilled each day of your life.
I’ve searched for a sign for so long, in all the wrong places.
I don’t know where to turn.

I’m sorry if you can’t relate after you’ve deciphered my scribble.
I’m sorry you can’t decipher it at all, leaving me unattached and unrelatable.
I am cold.
No wonder I’m attracted to a sadistic ideal of beauty and perfection.
AS a perfectionist, I’m never satisfied with what the world has to offer.
I will tolerate nonchalance over dramatic bullshit of other people.
I much prefer being violently raped than pathetically adore.

Why do I ask why if I am the only one who can answer my won questions?
Who is this hypothetical ‘you’?
I thought I’ve found you but I am still looking for you.

I am free to be myself in the darkest cave.
None of you know what the fuck I’m saying anyway.

I don’t know,
isn’t that a surprise ending?

I simply don’t know where I’m going with this,
why should you?

does anyone understand?
but do you care?
but do you really?
do you really understand or are you pretending to know who I am?
I need to know,
because you knowing me might help me find out who I am.

the happy you are the more miserable you are.


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