Alonelonelona

I should be working.

But I can’t make myself…
Procrastination is one of my numerous sinful indulgences.
Such as food, I discovered.

I never though I’d end up like one of those women on Dr. Phil, talking about eating their feelings.
I don’t even like food most of the time. Unless it’s good and then I’m forced to binge it like a hungry somalian in case this is the last time i eat something good.
And it is the last time, for that week.
My weekend is an all out feast, my week is a constant fast…
But lately I’ve had money so I was tempted on taking myself out to random movies and sushi.

I actually bailed on seeing some old ‘friends’, so i can watch a movie alone.
I’ve redefine the word “sociopath”.

What’s wrong with me?
It’s not that I don’t miss this closeness with people, the good ol’ friends I had back there… but,
my antisocial behaviour is a habit now.
I’m actually fine being alone… but on the other hand, i’m not fine with being fine about being alone.
if that makes sense?!

I saw some friends yesterday and it was incredible fun!
I laughed, I was funny, I was me!
Fuck, I’m charming.
They were on the edge of their seats to hear a stupid story of mine.
and it felt good, b/c that doesn’t happen very often…
That connection… I miss it.
And pointless online chatter could never make up for that.
Yet, I don’t want to sound desperate and overbearing.
I’m not shy or awkward around people, I just don’t know how to maintain a relationship with s/o who is not completely in love with me.
I’m a leo; I’m too proud to chase people, and I often feel neglected so I stop trying.
Then I’m alone.
And I feel unaccomplished, uninspired.
And then, being a hermit and a genius (and modest!), I get used to it.
Recondition myself. I’m ok with it.

Can I turn back time? On all my horrible habits?
I’m constantly inspired, but where is the long term motivation I’m looking for?
Everything is pointless…………………………

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