Happy fucking New Year’s

1:01 AM
Sitting in the dark, writing this.
Eating chocolate chip cookies and a banana.
An hour later.
I’ve missed the countdown, like I miss most things in life.
First kiss, first love, first crush…
Great friends, having to kiss someone at the countdown…
Prom….
No one will ever find out how dirty I really am….
No one will know my darkest dirtiest secrets…
I’ll be left alone with dull pleasures that will lose their charm after I’ve done and outdone it all…
The pursuit of the purest greatest pleasure will cease,
Because…
Because there is the first and there is the last.
I fear that my first will be the last, or will never begin.
I choose to be alone.
As I did on New Year’s Eve…
The comfort of my own empty house was so much preferable to spending the night in the cold, in the rain with a crowd of strangers next to those who call themselves my friends.
“It’s not going to stop,
So just give up.”

Happy fucking New Year’s.

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